How much can change in a month? Nothing feels the same around here!
The day after Easter I was expecting a phone call in the morning. It was the hematologist who was going to call with the results from my bone marrow biopsy and blood work.
When my phone rang I was still sitting in bed, sipping tea. When I answered, the doctor immediately asked me if I was sitting down. Were my kids around? Was I home alone? Did I have support nearby?
I didn't want to hear anymore after that. I wanted to hang up the phone and resume my normal life. The homechool plans I had for that week and the grocery shopping. I felt a cold sweat break out all over my body and waited for her to say what I now knew she was going to say. I had cancer. And I had to start treatment right away.
The next few days were terrifying. My diagnosis was Acute Meyloid Leukemia- something I had never heard of before. I wasn't given much information at first except that it is a fast-acting cancer and I needed to have my butt in a hospital bed sooner than later. I couldn't look at my kids without the threat of tears. I looked at the wall and told them to pack a bag- they'd be going to grandma's for a few days.
I had clients emailing me. Placentas to pick up for encapsulation, a podcast I was going to be interviewed for, potential business opportunities waiting on the sidelines. I didn't know what else to do besides awkwardly email everyone and let them know that I was going to be in the hospital. I didn't know when I'd be out.
Everything felt surreal. Over the course of a few days I had more procedures and tests done than I had ever had in my entire life. I cried silently when I was told that my IV would be placed directly into my heart.
It has been a little over 6 weeks since those first scary days, and a lot has changed. Externally I am minus 15 pounds and some hair. Internally I could have never anticipated the changes that are continuing to take place. I also could have never anticipated that many of the changes would feel so good! Cancer became my mirror and gave me nowhere to hide. I was forced to shed old habits and beliefs, stare my bullshit in the face and confront the things in my life that were no longer serving me or the people around me. It was an intense process, and one that continues to unfold.
All of this to say, that if you've noticed my absence, had an email or message go unanswered, or have been curious as to my whereabouts... this is what has been going on! My treatment continues and I will be hospitalized for another extended period of time. I obviously won't be working for the next several months, and I'm already missing it terribly. But I hope to update my blog more often as I find a new sense of normal in all of this.
If you are local to us, the meal train that has been set up by Phil and Sandrine from Inner Evolution Yoga has been such a blessing for my husband and kids. You can sign up for a day that works for you here.
And if supporting us financially is available to you, I'm sure you can imagine what that means to us these days. You can donate to us here.
After working through the initial fear of hearing "the C word", I've found myself in a good place. Somehow I've found peace (I'm sure yoga and my meditation practice has something to do with it) and a sense of calm as I navigate this phase of my life. You can follow me on Instagram (@jasmine.rose.doula) where I try to update as often as I'm able to!
Much love to all of you!